Did I ever tell you that Hutton and I were asked to participate in canSURVIVE 2011? It's an event that benefits Needs Beyond Medicine, an organization dedicated to educating and raising awareness about cancer. (I hate cancer). We were photographed several months ago and our photo, along with many others', was unveiled recently at a fundraising event downtown. (I have no idea why we look so serious in the photo. Yikes!)
My cancer experience(s) will be with me forever. I used to hate that. But now, I realize that I need to accept that those experiences, for good or bad, are part of who I am.
This event was pretty amazing. To see photos of all those people that have battled and to read their stories... well, it was an experience. A couple of featured people were adult survivors of childhood leukemia. It was nice for all of us to see thriving grown-ups that had been through what Hutton had. It was touching to see my kids slowly going throught the gallery, reading the stories... thinking. (in case you're wondering: yes, walker went. but he got sick on the way and spent the night on the couch in the lobby. so sad).
Secretly, I was kind of overwhelmed by the whole thing. I was walking through, reading the stories...remembering. I held it together and tried to be extra cheerful. K's eyes were shiny though, which broke my heart. Cancer isn't just hard for the one who's sick -- people don't usually think about that.
All of the participants were asked to write something to go with their photos. I hadn't remembered what I'd written back then. It was strange to read my own words. Here's what I wrote:
{for my photo}
Being a survivor means that I can do hard things and that I can be strong. I have five children. The youngest was a year and a half old and the oldest was twelve when I was diagnosed. When you have children you learn to be strong -- for them. You learn to be happy in difficult circumstances. You learn to notice the beauty and the miracles in the everyday. You learn to keep going. When you have kids, and cancer, you don't give up.
During my cancer journey -- and my son's -- I was often surprised to find myself laughing...happy. Somehow, hope would overshadow my fear, if only for a moment. So, to others who have cancer, I say...hold your head up, keep moving forward and never, never, never lose hope.
{for hutton's photo}
When you hear that your child has cancer, your world stops for a moment. You realize that heartbreak is an actual physical feeling. You are afraid. When your child has cancer, you learn to dig deep and to be strong for another person. If you open yourself up and look past your fear, you will learn from your child.
I know I did.
Hutton taught me that every day is good, even when you feel terrible and you are afraid. He taught me not to dwell on the difficult times, but to move forward. He taught me to look for the fun in life and to laugh. Hutton taught me to slow down and watch as the beauty of our life unfolded.
Having a child with cancer means that you will watch your child suffer and that you will be afraid. But, it also means that you will see the greatness in your child... and be changed forever.
*****
ps - if you want to see a few more of the portraits displayed, click here. this photographer, a cancer survivor himself, is an awesome guy.